Excerpt from ‘Chapter 5: Politics’

‘In an elaborate practical joke on itself, the human race began electing the most inept and stupid people it could find to lead it.  The people had learned this trick in high school, where it was a common practice to elect the worst student to the role of Class President.  The mass joke worked brilliantly and most people agreed that it put their ‘knickers’ in a great state of ‘knotted-ness.’

Next, it was determined that somehow all of the world should be tricked into defecating into a paper sack, placing the sack on their own front steps, lighting the sack on fire, ringing their own doorbells, and then running around their house, in through their own back doors, opening their own front doors, and stomping on the sack, all while wearing their pajamas and nicest shoes.  The organization of this mass, world-wide affair was put in the hands and minds of the world’s greatest thinkers and engineers.

The day of execution was tentatively set for April 2, 2010; a date which very few would ever suspect.’

For Sale, Item #2

Hand-drawn picture of Ron Popeil on nice, eggshell paper.  Looks nothing like him.  $1 OBO.

Day 1: Unfavorable Opinions of Native Nebraskan Peoples

At noon I headed South. What was the weather like? Maybe it was horrible. Yes, it was horrible behind me. I left just in time. It snowed on my back bumper all the way to Omaha like Winter was chasing me, but my front tires were on clean, dry pavement the whole time. A snowstorm blew in my rear view mirror and the Loess Hills turned white behind me. In Omaha, I turned West toward Lincoln. I was four hours into the trip and I was bored. I looked for a decent Omaha radio station, but one doesn’t exist. I listened to a few minutes of heavy metal to make sure I still hated it, I confirmed my opinion. I think it was a song by Satan’s Toothpick or Feces Eyeliner or The Ninja Turtles of Metal. Who could be sure? They all sound the same.

I drove as fast on I-80 as my car could go, but it wasn’t fast enough.

Five hours into the trip and I reached York, Nebraska. I stopped to get gas and some cornnuts at a BP. Inside the woman behind the counter looked about to die. She looked stuck. Everybody in Nebraska is stuck. Ask them and they’ll tell you, ‘Oh me, I’m just passing through. I’m just living in Nebraska while I [insert some strange task here]. I’m headed to [somewhere other than Nebraska] after I’m done with that.’ The most common reason people live in Nebraska: They got a flat tire and they’ve been waiting 26 years for a jack or a few missing lugnuts. Nebraska is like quick sand, you’d best keep moving. Outside the convenience store some high schoolers were drinking sodas and socializing. They were headed to a high school girl’s basketball game, and they looked like suicidal zombies. I headed South, again.

I took 81 to 36 and 36 to 281 and 281 to 383 and 383 to 24 and 24 to I-70. It was night by the time I got to the Interstate. I spent the night in some town near the Kansas/Colorado border. Which town? It doesn’t make any difference, they’re all the same. I made a cup of noodles from the hot water provided by the in-room coffee pot and I watched the television. There was nothing else to do. In the guest directory under ‘Things to Do/See While You Are Here’ it said: Enjoy the hot water from COFFEE POT by making CUP OF NOODLES and fall asleep watching TELEVISION. I don’t know for sure, but I think the Sasquatch was sleeping in the room next to mine. I never saw him, but I think I could here him snore.

The Introduction to the Sasquatch’s ‘History of the Twenty-First Century’

‘The destruction of certain elements of society depended upon a slow and unending process of collective stupidity and forced ignorance. Everyone seemed complacent in ensuring the betterment of society would go uninsured. Entertainment seemed to be the only collective passion, and so it was pursued at all times and through all means.

Some citizens even played bingo.’

Who Wants to Get High Smoking Crack Cocaine?

or not.

For Sale, Item #1

grey sock – darker grey in toe area, small hole in heel. good elastic still. $1 OBO.